A Mixture of Regret and Relief

I turned 41 on Saturday, and I spent the day wondering if I were pregnant or not. Not what most 41 year olds are contemplating on their birthday, huh? I was a week late, and that is very uncommon for me. I took a pregnancy test on Friday. There was supposed to be a plus or a minus show up in the result window and a vertical line in the control window. There was a minus in the result window, which means no pregnancy, but there was no line in the control window. This left me wondering if the test was accurate or faulty.

I spent Saturday thinking of all the changes that would take place if I were pregnant. I have a 10 year old, and a 5 year old. I am well past the diaper stage, and I get to sleep all night most nights. I am also well past the being able to cuddle my babies in my arms, rock them, sing to them, just hold them close. A baby would change our routines completely. I could imagine both good and not so good changes. I spent the day trying to figure out how I would manage Ethan's golf tournaments with a baby? How would Erin handle not being the baby of the family any more? Which child would share a room with the baby, and how would I arrange the crib in the room? I started thinking of baby names... I have set a pattern with the initials ELE... Ethan Lane, and Erin Lee. Did I want to continue this, or go completely different?

I am not concerned about my age or my health, but I do know that we do not have maternity insurance. However, I also know that God would provide. Finally, I remembered something God told me several months ago. I had been talking to Him about my children, and told Him that I sometimes regret only having two. He spoke to my spirit, and told me that He hadn't told me I was through. I'm not sure what that means, but I trust His plans.

So, on Sunday it was confirmed that I am not pregnant. I was praising God for having an answer. Then I was left with both regret and relief. I don't know what God has planned for our future, but I do know that He has a plan for me, Jason, and our children ... whether that is two or more.